DEAR MS. HADES
Water Buffalo Bill

I am a professional Massage Therapist and my clientele is top notch except for one nasty person. Ms. Hades, believe me, he is GROSS!

He goes by the name Water Buffalo Bill. He is a wanna-be-professional wrestler whose day has come and long gone. WBB (I hope you don’t mind if I shorten his name) is… let’s say hygienically challenged. He doesn’t bath, has horrible B.O., crusty feet, white flaky chunks of scalp all over him, hair that a Yeti would die for, foul breath and toe/finger nails that could scale walls.

He runs a dirty auto and marine repair shop. There are pictures of wrestlers ALL OVER and he acts like they are all as close as “brothers.” His pushy, unjustifiable bragging I can deal with – the mice and rats that run rampant along with the grime and filth are too much for me to take.

We used to do massages outside of his shop in my nice massage environment. Unfortunately when I told him he needs to bathe due to hygiene and protocol he decided to change massage locations. Now he insists on me bringing my table to his revolting auto place.

I have added Witch Hazel to my supply bag so I can clean every surface of him before I touch his nauseating body. Of course it would be nice if he brushed the food remnants out of his beard and changed his clothes more than once a month, but that won’t ever change.

I took him on as a client to help a mutual friend. As good as my intentions are I don’t think I can work on him one more time without throwing up. I have told my friend about the situation and he begs me to continue.

Ms. Hades, what can I do to make my situation easier?

- Disgusted in Portland

Dear DIP,

You made me vomit a little—in my mouth! How dare you come to me with something so vile?! Oh yeah, “I” told a friend I would help him out by listening to you hopeless little monsters and by imparting my wisdom on the problems you are too inadequate to take care of on your own in an attempt to drag you through life.

Good news, my pet! This is an easy fix. First tell him you are raising your rate and make sure you bring a table you don’t mind never seeing again. When you get to the rodent infested health risk, be sure to collect your fee up front. Now the fun begins!

Do that massage move that renders your victim unconscious and strap him to the table. Once he is secure sprinkle a liberal amount of lighter fluid all over his filthy body. Strike a match and step back. The dry flakes and profuse body hair will take care of the rest. Fire is purifying, after all.

Did I mention to get the money first?
--Ms. Hades

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