| |
Metallica: DEATH MAGNETIC
Rating: 4 out of 5 cock rings
Reviewed by Mike Jaret
Metallica has done more for the music industry then most people have done for their family. They basically standardized a type of heavy metal that is still copied today (Avenged Sevenfold anyone?). Unfortunately, more recently they have done quite a bit to tarnish their reputation as well as alienate the people that put gold plated rocket cars in their massive garages. We don’t need to go into the gory details but here’s a quick “Metallica Shit List”:
-
Load….What a pile of blood’n’semen (the blood’n’semen on the album cover should’ve tipped you)…
- Reload… Pretty much worse then Load in every single way, but less blood and semen.
- St. Anger… Wow, just fuckin wow… an insult to everyone that hasn’t gone gay.
Metallica also did the unthinkable back in the early 21st century and took down a little company called Napster and sued thousands of their own fans. Nothing says blood’n’semen like suing your fans… ‘nuff said!
Well Metallica, after years in hiding (after that much blood’n’semen they might’ve needed the time just to dry off), has returned in 2008 with a new album entitled Death Magnetic. For those of you wondering, as I was myself, whether Metallica could put any more of its hard earned blood’n’semen back into the music and sound as good as they did in the mid 80’s? Doubtful, right? You may be surprised. No, seriously!
After I went out and purchased (SIC) my Death Magnetic album at the local record shop, I was soon torn between a band for which I had grown such an overwhelming loathing. Metallica PISSED ME OFF, and in the tradition of Joe Biden, LET ME REPEAT THAT: METALLICA PISSED ME OFF. And then I found myself bobbing my head and pretending to sing along (you know when you don’t know the words and you sort of make sounds that sound kinda like the music you’re listening to?). I actually stopped myself after listening to the first single off the album, aptly titled “The Day That Never Comes”. Who would have thought Metallica could pull it off? Had I been duped by the first four tracks of this piece of plastic that I SHOULD NOT have bought? I must keep listening.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? I fucking love this song! “All Nightmare Long” is my favorite track on this album and I actually enjoy it more then a lot of older Metallica songs. It has one kinda queer part, when James says: “Your luck runs OUTTTAAAA”… the “outtaaa” is gay gay gay, but the song is FUCKING BADASS. Then when the song ends, after getting your ears bashed in by a badass fucking tune, Metallica bitchslaps you with the “Unforgiven 3”. Quite possibly the best of the trifecta, this one is a pretty ballad!
I’m not going to touch the rest of the album and I’ll let you pussies listen to it yourself, and I DO recommend listening to it. Get it however you want to, I’m sure theirs a good store somewhere in Russia selling it online for a discounted rate but no doubt your local Wal-Mart has a copy (prolly right next to the POSTAL Movie DVD!). I give Death Magnetic by Metallica 4 out of 5 cock rings (they lose 1 cock ring for no blood’n’semen).
Running With Scissors is still the biggest and baddest example of nonconformity in the game industry -- an industry that continues to be homogenized as dev costs rise and mainstream consumers get catered to. These guys aren't afraid to think outside the box; in fact, they'd rather shit inside that box and do their own thing! Some of the best and most misunderstood artists in history have danced the line between art and obscenity. I'd place Running With Scissors among them.Yes, a screenshot or a video clip of Postal could shock and disturb you, but those games go way deeper than that. It's about the player's choice and his own morality; play it how you feel. At the same time, it's just a freakin' game! You can turn it off and resume business as usual, with your recommended daily allowance of catharsis healthily ingested! No harm, no foul.
As AC/DC would say, "RWS has got the biggest balls of them all!" I anxiously await what those crazy bastards will do next!
Justin Leeper
"Contributing Writer, Yahoo Games." |
|
|
Send Comment To Editor
Tell A Friend 
Subscribe 
Home